The last post was a year ago? Correct. The last post was about moving on? Correct, again. This post is also about moving on? Wrong. This is about moving forward because I've learned that we never truly move on, we simply move forward.
Three months into my father's death I hadn't fully embraced and accepted the grief that was engulfing my life. I stayed strong for the people around me. I smiled to make people feel less uncomfortable. I lied through my teeth to protect other's feelings. But in the end it only prolonged my grief, my anger, and my loneliness.
This blog isn't going to be pretty. It's not going to be grammatically correct. It will, most likely, not change your life profoundly. It's simply here to let you know that your grief is justified, your anger is expected, but you don't have to be alone. And when you accept all of this, that is when you can move forward.
Banish thoughts of embarrassment while you grieve. Don't be afraid to be honest with yourself and those around you. Accept your grief. It will suck. Yell at the top of your lungs in your living room. Cry in the grocery line without feeling embarrassed. Hug a friend longer than usual if that's what you need.
By doing all of these things, you will find that person that knows exactly what you're going through.
You're never alone. Just know there's always at least one person who understands what you're going through.
Who knew what I was going through? Friends I saw everyday that I had no idea lost their fathers. The Verizon associate on the other end of a tear filled account cancellation. The boy in the grocery store who watched me cry while I checked out. All of these "embarrassing" moments led to conquering my loneliness. I wasn't alone. I wasn't the only one who lost my father. I wasn't the only one who experienced death. I wasn't the only one who was battling depression.
I'm now nineteen months without my father. What's changed? How much I miss him? Never. How much I think about him? Absolutely not. How I choose to deal with his death? Definitely.